


I guess the truth is I'm as lost as I was before

by HistoriaGloria



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Discussion of character death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief, Hamid gets to go home just for a little bit, Honestly let them rest Alex, Post-Rome, canon atypical discussion of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:16:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22917592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistoriaGloria/pseuds/HistoriaGloria
Summary: Saira has been head of the al-Tahan family through the most difficult time in their lives. She's holding it together... just.An unexpected visitor is a very welcome surprise.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 47





	I guess the truth is I'm as lost as I was before

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I just want Hamid to go home and I want his siblings to hug him a lot alright  
> He needs and deserves it.  
> So, here we go, fluffy angst.
> 
> Thank always to Kristsune for enabling all of my RQG stuff!
> 
> Title is from Night Drives by Deaf Havana:  
> 'And I want to tell you everything but I'm too proud.  
> I guess the truth is I'm as lost as I was before  
> And I swear, I swear that I really believed it all.'

It’s a bright day. Most days are in Egypt, but this one is particularly blinding as Saira rifles through the stacks of paperwork on her desk.

Working with the Harlequins has been good, beneficial, helped her feel useful during the collapse of society, but they really do enjoy needless paperwork. It’s not like Harlequins and Meritocrats are at such odds anymore; the whole world is a bit more important. And it has been nice to have support through the storms in Cairo and…

The loss.

Saira pauses, her hand quill in hand, but not moving to make any notes. If she listens hard enough, she can hear Ishak and Ismail crashing about upstairs. It’s so nice to be able to hear that again. Ismail had been so quiet without his twin, so reserved and uncomfortable.

Ishak too is changed. He’s calmer, older almost, despite the fact that for him, almost no time had passed.

Ismail lords the two inches that he had grown over Ishak now. It makes Saira smile.

They’d lost enough already, what with losing Aziza and everything that had happened with Saleh and their father.

And they still don’t have Hamid back.

Ishak and Einstein swear he’s alive, but it means so little in this world of Infected people and loss. Saira can’t let herself believe it until her little brother is in her arms again.

The house is mainly quiet. It’s so much smaller than they had before, but it’s nice. Just the family together, having to pull their own weight after everything has fallen apart. Saira doesn’t really trust any hired staff anymore, not considering the dangers of the infection. There’s only her and the twins in currently which is not completely unusual. It just means that she has to keep her ears open in case they get into trouble. Though, after everything, they’re slightly less prone to playing pranks than they used to be. She sighs, toying with the tips of her braid. Her hair, usually tied tightly into a bun, is down in just an untidy plait today.

She’s exhausted.

Honestly, truly, exhausted.

So much has happened over the last year that it isn’t really surprising that the al-Tahan family disappeared from public view. So much loss, so quickly.

But she’s the head of the family now. And in this new world of mistrust and sorrow, that means quite a lot. So, she can’t ever afford to waste time or relax.

Saira moves to begin writing again when there is a firm knock on the door. Upstairs, she can hear the twins stop in whatever they’re doing.

“I’ve got it,” she calls, placing her quill down. She twists her braid upright and slips a hair pin in to keep it tidy at the back before heading over to open the door.

There stands Professor Einstein and Saira’s heart sinks a little. Einstein tends to appear when the Harlequins need something.

“Professor! How are you doing? How can I help you?” she says, plastering a warm smile on my face.

“Oh, it’s more about how I can help you!” Einstein says excitedly. “I’ve brought a visitor. He’s been checked and everything, no worries about infection. I’ll leave you to it, but I’ll have to be back tomorrow. He’s in very high demand, you know!” Without explaining himself, Einstein vanishes and Saira sighs. Honestly, he had always been an odd one. Though, she does trust him concerning whomever this is and not being infected.

Then she notices the figure who had been stood behind Einstein.

Dressed in more muted colours than she had ever seen him, simple deep verdant green and white, is her little brother. Hamid’s arms are at his side, his hair lightly quaffed atop his head as his eyes settle on her.

“Hello, Saira,” is all he says.

“ _Hamid,”_ she breathes and throws herself forward, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He sags against her, hugging right back.

“It’s me, I promise,” he mutters into her shoulder, sniffling ever so slightly. “I’ve been checked, it’s me.”

“Hamid,” she just repeats, trying not to start crying. It’s a futile attempt; he’s already shaking. “I missed you _so much_.”

“I missed you too,” he sobs into her shoulder. “I wanted to come back sooner, but I had a job and I just wanted to see everyone.” She rubs his back reassuringly, not ever wanting to let him go again.

“I was so sure that you were gone,” Saira admits quietly. “After everything, I was so sure you’d, you’d died trying to get Ishak home. And then, even when Ishak came back, it… I couldn’t trust it. I didn’t know if you were alive.” She leans back, cupping Hamid’s face between her hands. He smiles, just a little, his eyes full of tears.

“I’m so sorry, Saira. I should have come back sooner.” She shakes her head, wiping away his tears quickly, ignoring the sting in her own eyes.

“You’re home now. Einstein said you had to leave tomorrow?”

“Yes, I’m still, I’m still working with the London and Other London Outstanding Mercenary Group,” Hamid says weakly, his voice still a little pitchy. “But I desperately needed to see the family. For me, I suppose it hasn’t been that long.”

“You haven’t even grown,” Saira says quietly. Hamid doesn’t look the same anymore, though. His hair is shorter; his eyes are sharper, and he stands straighter now. “Ismail is taller than Ishak now, by about two inches.” Hamid sniffles weakly.

“How, how is Ismail? Ishak actually has taken everything very well, last I knew.” Saira sighs a little. Things have changed.

“Lets, um, let’s go sit down. Shall we have some tea?” she offers quietly. Hamid’s shoulders slump ever so slightly.

“He’s alright? Right, Saira?!” Hamid’s voice pitches.

“He’s fine, Hamid. Everyone’s fine,” she soothes, gently placing a hand on his back. “It’s fine, just… You’ve been gone far too long.”

“Oh, right… Yes. That’s very fair.” Hamid follows her inside, running a hand through his hair and as Saira looks, she notices.

There is a slightly waxy sheen to Hamid’s face, a faint veneer. Magic, on his skin, likely hiding how tired he looks. She gets them both into the kitchen to make tea before she questions it.

“This is nice,” Hamid says, quietly, looking around.

“Oh, the house?” Saira blinks, “Yeah, it’s small but it’s nice. Turns out Saleh is actually a very good cook when you put him to it.” Her little brother laughs a little at that, sitting at the table as she begins to brew tea.

“But you’re all okay?” Hamid presses as she pours the tea. Sighing, she comes to sit opposite him, placing the mugs down.

“Yes. We’re all fine. We mourned you, you know. After the Professor had brought me that note…” she trails off. Hamid and Ishak had been gone for three months when Einstein had showed up the door, just to place the final nails in the coffin of hope. They were gone.

“We thought we’d be gone maybe a week,” Hamid says softly, looking into the steaming cup. “We knew that time was weird, but still. We thought it wouldn’t be too long. And when we came back and everything had changed? It… yes. It was hard.” His voice is small.

“Stop with the illusion, Hamid,” Saira says quietly, reaching out to touch his hand. “It’s okay.” He moves, just enough to flick his fingertips and the façade drops.

Despite not having aged, he looks older. There are dark circles below his eyes and his cheekbones are sharp, prominent like he hasn’t been eating or sleeping well. His dark skin is sallow, and his eyes are dulled with sorrow.

“It’s…” he starts but Saira knows.

“It’s been a lot. Not everyone made it back from Rome, did they?” The look Hamid has is the same one he was wearing back when Aziza passed away. Grief.

Hamid shakes his head.

“Sasha and Grizzop… we, we lost them,” he says weakly. Saira takes his hand gently. Apparently, he needed to see her as much as she needed to see him.

“I’m so sorry, Hamid,” she murmurs. She had liked both of them, despite the brief time she had spent with them. He scrubs his eyes, sniffling.

“It’s fine, I’m… I’m coping. I just, I miss them.” Without really thinking about it, Hamid takes a quick drink of his tea, despite it being far too hot. “But, um, where’s everyone?”

“Father and Mother and Saleh are out, getting supplies from town. They’ll be back soon. The twins are upstairs.”

“Can I see them?” Hamid asks softly. Saira blinks.

“Of course!” She gets up and heads to the bottom of the stairs. “Ishak! Ismail! Come downstairs!” There is a clatter and raised voices for a second before they both appear, hurrying down.

“Yeah? Who’s here?” asks Ishak immediately. Saira just waves to the kitchen and they both turn. Hamid has stood up and is wearing a small smile.

“Hello,” he says quietly.

“Oh, hey, Hamid! You’re back from Japan!” Ishak says happily.

Ismail bursts into tears and throws himself at Hamid.

“It’s really you, you’re okay, you’re alive,” he sobs into Hamid’s chest as his older brother wraps his arms around him.

“Hey, Ismail,” Hamid murmurs, rubbing his back gently. “I’m here. I’m alright, just like Ishak said.” Ismail just clings to him for a few minutes, sniffling.

“I’m glad you’re alright. I, I just didn’t know what to think, after everything.” Hamid reaches down to gently ruffle Ismail’s hair.

“You’ve grown. Still practicing prestidigitation?” Ismail nods, snapping his fingers to cause a small firework show, which makes Hamid grin widely. “Well done!”

“You… you’re not staying around, are you?” says Ishak calmly. He has waited by Saira, letting his twin cling to Hamid.

“No,” replies the sorcerer. “There’s still things which have to be done. But I wanted to see everyone.” Ismail finally detaches himself, wiping his eyes.

“It’s so good to see you again.”

“It’s so good to see you too, Ismail.”

Saira chuckles, managing with a wave and few muttered words to corral the twins into sitting down and letting Hamid finish his tea. Ishak is quick to ask about Hamid’s adventures in Japan but the way he tenses, Saira knows that Hamid doesn’t really want to talk about it. She twists the conversation back on the twins, bringing up their magic tutor and that seems to be a fairly safe topic.

It’s calm. Relaxed.

Saira loves it. It’s been so long since they’ve had any good news at all. Hamid is chatting with the twins excitedly about magic, sipping his tea idly.

* * *

After about twenty minutes, the door opens. Hamid brightens up.

“Oh! Everyone is home.” Saira gets up and heads out to greet them. Saleh’s arms are full of shopping bags, but he is smiling, just a little.

“Oh, hey, Saira. What do you think about lamb for tonight?”

“Good, yes. You need to set an extra seat for tonight,” Saira says, calmly.

“I didn’t know we were expecting guests,” says her father, sharply.

“It’s fine,” her mother says easily. “Who is here for dinner?” Saira just smiles, waving her hand to the kitchen. Her father is scowling, but he heads in, followed immediately by their mother.

“Hello father, mother,” Hamid says, standing up from the table. “I’m afraid I can’t stay long, but I… I wanted to see everyone.”

“Hamid!” Their mother runs over and scoops him up immediately into a huge hug. Hamid laughs, wetly, hugging her right back.

“It’s okay, I’m fine, I promise, I’m fine.” Their father stands, his face unreadable as Saleh hurries in, dumping the shopping backs down to catch Hamid in a hug as soon as Mother lets go.

“You’re… you’re alive. But we thought and after everything,” Saleh is sobbing, clutching at Hamid tightly.

“I told you!” Ishak says, huffing a little at not being believed. Hamid laughs a little, patting Saleh on the back.

“It’s fine, Ishak. It’s alright. I’m here now, at least for tonight.” Father steps forward, still completely poker-faced. Hamid straightens up and there is a flash of fire in his eyes. “Hello, father.”

“I’m glad you’re alive, Hamid,” he says, shortly but it’s better than Saira had been expecting. It’s more honesty that she had anticipated.

Hamid even smiles and holds out his hand, which their father shakes, the edge of a smile on his mouth.

“Well, I should get on with cooking, so everyone out of my kitchen. Go interrogate Hamid elsewhere,” Saleh says in that annoyingly imperious voice he has when it comes to cooking. Saira sighs and Hamid laughs, letting them all be ushered out of the room.

They head to the living room to talk and Hamid does so. Saira gets the distinct impression that he is skirting around a lot of the worst of his adventures, smoothing down the danger for their mother’s sake. He also barely discusses the time Ishak and him spent away, with a brief comment on Rome. But she can’t blame him. Can’t blame him for not wanting to talk about something which clearly was crushing. Ishak has mentioned it a few times, but also doesn’t want to talk about it in any great detail.

But they don’t press, and Hamid is happy to talk about other things too, to ask about how they’ve been, about Saleh’s newly found cooking talents or their mother’s decision to begin to tailor again.

It honestly hurts Saira to realise how much she had missed him.

Dinner is a fairly calm and quiet affair. Saleh’s lamb is well-cooked and Hamid gushes over it, excited to be eating something which isn’t canned. Father is quiet, but Saira wasn’t expecting anything else. Ismail looks at Hamid like he’s worried that if he blinks, he will just disappear. And well, she can understand that. She had been so convinced that he was gone. She had mourned, cried, screamed to the gods about how unfair it was that they had taken so much from her so quickly.

But now, she has some of it back.

And despite the fact that he’s not the naïve, childish boy that she remembers, Hamid is still her little brother. And she loves him.

“You’re only staying for the night?” Mother asks once dinner is done and the twins have run off upstairs. It’s just Hamid, Saleh and Saira sat with her in the living room. Father has headed to the office as he is wont to do on an evening.

“Yes,” Hamid replies sadly. “I’m afraid I’ve still got a job.”

“It’s just nice to see you at all,” Saleh says earnestly, sipping a glass of water. Saira doesn’t miss the slightly proud smile Hamid gives at seeing their older brother not drinking alcohol.

“It’s so good to see you. Hopefully this will be over soon, and I can come home. And you can meet the rest of my friends. I would like that.”

“We all hope it will be over soon,” Saira says, not unkindly. Hamid nods, running a hand through his hair. His minor illusion is back up again, hiding the exhaustion in his face, but Saira won’t push him.

“We’re really proud of you,” Saleh says firmly, looking up at Hamid. “For everything you’re doing. You’re helping to sort out the world, Hamid and we’re really proud.” Hamid’s eyes go soft and wide at the same time.

“Thank you,” he says quietly. “I really appreciate it.” And Saira smiles. Maybe he will be able to get Mother and Father’s approval eventually.

* * *

Before she turns in for the night, Saira stops at the guest room. The door is ajar, and she knocks it open slightly.

Hamid is stood, staring out of the window, up at the crescent moon in the sky. He’s partially undressed, stood with just his shirt and trousers on, just… watching. In the pale moonlight, he is washed with silver, turning his dark hair pale grey. As he shifts, Saira notices a snaking, vicious silvered scar on his left arm, catching under the moonlight.

“That’s new,” she says quietly but Hamid still jumps before turning around. “The scar.” She closes the door behind her.

“Oh, right. It’s actually pretty old. It’s just… ugly,” Hamid admits, touching it slightly. “Paris. Wow, that would have been nearly… nearly 20 months ago I guess?” Saira crosses over to stand next to him.

“You’ve grown up. So much. You’re so _fierce_ now.”

“Well… I would make a joke about dragons, but…” Hamid sighs, his shoulders slumping. “I’ve just lost enough to be angry about it. I was just thinking about Sasha and Grizzop.” He waves a hand up to the crescent moon, slightly sheepishly. Saira doesn’t say anything. “I miss them so much.” Hamid’s voice is a whisper, tears already in his eyes again. All any of them has done today is cry.

“I’m sorry, Hamid,” she says quietly. He sniffles, wiping his face. The moonlight glints off his eyes and for a second, Saira swears they’re gold, not brown.

“Everyone was happy to see me,” he says, trying to change the topic.

“I don’t think Mother ever really gave up hope,” she admits quietly. “She wouldn’t let us have a proper funeral for you or Ishak. Father wanted to. I think he wanted the closure. But Mother refused. Said she wouldn’t do it until there was proof.”

“I’m glad to be able to prove her right. I, um, the note?” he asks quietly. All this time, Hamid has not looked at her, eyes still fixed on that crescent moon.

“I have the note. Well part of it.” Saira reaches up to the locket clasped around her neck, hidden under her shirt. It contains a tiny image of Aziza smiling and the end of the note from Hamid. He looks at her then, his brows furrowed as she removes the note. It’s ripped, just the last sentence and his signature remaining.

**_Please forgive me for my failure. I love you all so much; be safe._ **

**_Hamid._ **

He smiles ever so slightly.

“How about I change that for you?” Saira passes him the note and Hamid moves to grab a quill from the unused desk. He scratches out the sentences and writes:

**_Remember, no matter where I am, I love you all so much; be safe._ **

Saira smiles, folding the note right back up to place it back in the locket alongside the image of their older sister.

“Thank you, Hamid.” She wraps him up in a tight hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” He presses his face into her shoulder, smiling a little.

“I’m so glad you’re okay too.”

With one last smile, Saira leaves Hamid to sleep.

Before she sleeps herself, she takes off her locket and opens it to look at the picture of Aziza.

“You’d be so proud of him, Zee,” she whispers quietly. “I’m proud of him. And, keep him safe, alright? Just… watch over him.” As Saira turns in for the night, a comet streaks past the edge of the crescent moon, bright and brilliant.

And she knows that eventually, their family is going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Come bother me on twitter and tumblr: HistoriaGloria!


End file.
